Lent Edition: Day 9 "Guilt"

Day 9: Guilt – I am loved by Jesus and he has forgiven my sins. Today is a new day and the past is behind.

Oh my! Today's thing to let go is "Guilt."  Of all the things ingrained in our DNA, guilt is the most prevalent.  I don't know one woman, especially if they are Latin, Hispanic, Catholic, mother, daughter and friend who doesn't suffer an extreme case of "Guilty-litis."  I wonder when do we start learning how to feel guilty about everything.  I don't hear men frequently "apologizing" for everything.  It has to be something major in order for them to start feeling "guilty." (At least the "guilt" we females feel all the time.)  However, we...women, we even apologized for taking a deep breath.  Sometimes our guilt is so deep within ourselves, it is more our second nature or our way to operate.  Every decision we make have some type of "guilt" related influence.  I think this is one of the reasons that it is so hard to be consistent with seeking change for the better, or just allowing us to be happy, just because.  It means automatically the "guilt-alarm" goes off! Who knew that "guilt" could be such a cheater of joy.  I'm all for being considerate about my fellow humans, and animals, too, but why do we let guilt overshadow all we do and how we act?  I'm ready to let go of guilt.  But I don't want to become selfish, nor self-absorbed.  I need to learn to be free of guilt as a woman, wife, mother (most of all, being a mother!) and an employee. 

Because I'm still kind of new to the marriage and motherhood clubs, I've found out how guilt is such a powerful tool used to keep us down.  I totally understand power struggles and how people being on top, needs to keep the rest down in order to keep their power going.  What is still surprising for me is for example, if we know how hard it is, why we insist of shaming our fellow mothers, wife, colleagues, etc.?  Why we are so arrogant to think that our way is the right way?  I wish I have some answers, because it is one of those topics without an answer.  The only words coming to my mind are "tolerance, acceptance, common sense, compassion." But even those words can have different meaning to each one of us. 

Yesterday, I gain a pound, and of course, I was filled with "guilt," but it wasn't only for the "guilt" of having gone up the scale, but because to what it meant on the things I did, or didn't do, to move forward to my goal.  Which makes me come back to the drawing table, what it is exactly my goal? Do I really want to get healthy?, do I want to accelerate Karma? or what it is "there" that I so anxiously want but to afraid to verbalize because I will feel "guilty" if God and the Universe grant me my wish?  Who knows? At this point, I don't even know. 

Every morning, I need to remind myself that I'm being the best person I can be with what I have.  That I'm the best mom, best friend and best wife I can be with the tools I have available.  It takes all that I am to not feel guilty about my lacking, especially with LJ.  But again, I don't solve anything  feeling "guilty."  And the least I want to do is to make LJ feel guilty for being who he is, which is in every way perfect. 

Finding the right balance of having a social conscience is a challenge in itself without dressing it up with "guilt."  I need to understand they are not "synonyms." I will work to let go of the "guilt" but will also work hard to be conscious about the World and contributing to make it better.  For everyone, without guilt, but with lots of love.  And I pray my sons learn this lesson, not out of "guilt," but because it is the right thing to do. Full of Love, Faith, Empathy, Compassion and Peace, but most of all,  Free of guilt.