25+ years...

No lbs lost...

I have been MIA, and in this case, it doesn't mean I've been in "Miami."   It's been more "Missing in Action" (literally.)  I can come up with tons of excuses, but the truth is that "I've been eating crap."  The positive thing is that in between the "crap" I've been incorporating vegetables and some healthy choices into my diet.  As they say, old habits die hard... Luiso has been working like crazy, my stress levels have gone through the roof, plus life happens. 
Which makes me think... I can ignore my self-imposed challenge to make better lifestyle choices and write about it, or I can push forward and keep the commitment to myself, regardless the outcome. 
Interestingly enough, recently we got the notification via Facebook that our 25 years High School reunion is in the making.  Woo-hoo! And the first thing that came to mind was 1) need to save money for the plane tickets. 2) I haven't been able to go to any of the previous milestones' class reunions, I don't want to miss this one. 3) NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.    As any other nosy human being would do, I went into the new, "closed group," FB page with the class reunion information and start browsing the "TBT#" pics and posts my classmates have been leaving.  And then something that haven't happened to me in a long time, happened.  I because seriously anxious; plus, a wave of self-doubt covered me up.  Things that I thought I left behind, came back instantly.  I then discovered it has taken me 25+ years to "re-invent" myself.  The people that are in my life now are so amazing... One thing I keep hearing from them (which I think it is because they love me unconditionally, because I don't see the logic on this) is "they don't know how I handle so "gracefully" everything that have been thrown at me."  First, I don't think I have had it that bad...Second, the word "gracefully" says it all...it's been simply by the Grace of God and third, growing up in a 100 x 35 island, during the late 70's and 80's, being mid part of the middle class, overweight, average looking, educated in a private Catholic School system, you've better learned to "survive" and "lay-low."  Thank God back then, "bullying" wasn't as popular as it is now...(See? It is good to see the glass half full.)  One thing many people don't know is that in Puerto Rico, "racism" it is more an "elitistism."  In my case, and now looking it from the outside, when you're in the "middle" you're really screwed.  Because the ones in high spheres of society, they are "defined," the same with those in a "lower sphere" - they know who they are and where "they belong."  Certain characteristics and behaviors are expected.  But when you're in the middle and you don't fall into any of the defined "classes" or "specific beauty standard"- you become a "salmon" (as my good friend Sara taught me to properly pronounce in English, "\ˈsa-mən\"  - she also taught us how to prononce "Home Depot" ˈwhich in case you don't know, the "t" is silent. = de-(ˌ)pō)  All those sociocultural "challenges" beside all the teenage angts, can't be healthy- and who knew they can come back to you in a split second?   In my "deep" meditation about "pajaritos preñados" (pregnant birds) over this topic, and my weird reaction to my 25 years HS reunion, I've discovered if you don't fit a certain visual image, you're not "allowed" to certain behaviors.  Or better yet, if you don't have the right "sponsor" or the right "people" endorsement, you become a "Salmon."  (pronounced "\ˈsa-mən\") Hey, why do you think the "Ms. Congeniality" title was created at beauty pageants...? Unfortunately, this is found at a different scale in the corporate world as well, but that is another topic for a later blog entry (i.e. "networking," "mentors. etc.... )

For those who doesn't know me from my Puerto Rico days, I can truly say, and I know it sounds harsh, the best thing that ever happened to me was to move from there.  My personality, vision, morals and values, especially, how vulnerable I am to others, have me thinking if I would've survived the "adult years" if I still live there.  I never felt "I belonged" when I was there, the same way, I never felt I belonged to my High School class (nor any school class I've belong to.)  The oxymoron of all this is some of my best friends in life are my friends from High School.  Individually, I adore them.  They are going to be part of my life forever.  There are others, who I truly admired who they've become, and I wish I had invested more time with them when I had the chance.  Coming back on why I've decided to share this with my "healthier lifestyle" blog is that I'm part of the cliché of "eating our emotions."  I eat my emotions... and not in "carrots, celery and spinach..." it is more in savory snacks, coffee, pizza and fries.  Because if I "show any kind of stress or emotion" the unecessary labels will start flying..."drama queen, hysterical, she has a chip on her shoulder, etc."and we have to deal already with so many "labels," you prefer to "eat your emotions out" rather than adding external ones to the ongoing list-(or just showing how much it affects you.) I truly, truly wish my "dealing" with my emotions and low self-esteem would be not having an appetite, exercise frantically and having an urge to clean and organize, but in that way, I'm screwed as well.  Hate to clean, hate to cook, still haven't found the "adrenaline rush" of endorphins.  Also,  it doesn't matter how sad and depress I am, I NEVER forget I'm hungry nor to eat.
I now joke with my co-workers and friends that in my head, I'm 6ft tall, lean, thin, sexy and fabulous.  And honestly I can say, "I've learned to love my body the way it is."  That's why my reaction to my upcoming High School reunion threw me off.  Then, I was having different conversations with random people from my different circles, and among us, the conversations always turns to weight and the way we look.  For example, my beautiful, fellow moms, taking a picture with their kids becomes an inner "mental war" to overcome the discomfort it caused them to be photographed.  (Of course, this is more for Gen X and Gen Y moms because we know our Millenials are "Selfie-pros")  Why? Why? Why? we have to do this to ourselves? I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to go to my High School reunion, but I'm sure will try my hardest; first, to face my "stupid fears" and second, because I really, really want to see some my classmates that I care deeply about.  In the same way, I'm going to continue in my quest to become the best, true version of me.   Next on the list, besides cooking healthier.  (I'm sorry...I still hate cooking...) is to forgive the past, forgive myself, and keep moving forward.  Maybe I wasn't very popular in High School, nor have the right "endorsement" from those who have some kind of "power" to "promote" me in life- but I can say I'm very popular along the 4 yrs old crowd with Edwin's day care buddies.  They don't give "crap" on how I look, and still haven't mastered the skill of "lying."  But most of all, I'm extremely loved by God, my husband, sons, family and friends, and with that...I have all the "validation" that I need.  I just need not to take it for granted, or (as Cher would sing) "turn back time."   I hope one day I can truly say "I don't give a crap about what people say..." But I'm not there yet.  (and I truly hope, it does not take me 25+ years to overcome it.)